Come Back. Come Pick Me Up.
It is odd.
I remember not to long ago, I was basically having a slight mental breakdown on Tumblr and I may have posted something in haste, with tinges of an irrational, cliche angst filled teenager with only the desire of outlet and acknowledgement. I think I should take the time while I am the topic existential crisis to formally apologise to the Internet, and the various amounts of people that unfortunately had to see pretty much a textual projection of a sucker-punch.
I am sorry, Tumblrians.
It was poor form on my end to use Tumblr is bouts of irrational banter and ranting that coming close to the end, made little to no sense and resulting in worry but mostly confusion on all fronts.
If you are willing to take me back, I think could dial the knob back a couple days in the Interweb Time Machine and bring things back to normal. (With the help of my mad scientist friend, Emmett Brown and his trusty canine companion, Einstein)
Now just to sound like I am trying to justify my blatant misuse of the Big Blue T but with my previous post, I was not in the greatest of moods. Being in this mood, for some strangely irrational reason but logical reason at the time, I just felt compelled to post a ranty-rant-rant-rant. As I began to type the capital I’s and dot the breaths within my sentences, something just felt wrong, it felt irrational and it felt just a tad hypocritical of me.
I stopped typing and I took a moment to think for a second about what on earth I was actually thinking and what on earth I was actually doing. It only took a split-second for my brain to unanimously agree with fingers and my eyebrows that my emotions were being a bit over-dramatic. I took this moment to metaphorically and literally pat myself on the back and congratulate myself on the discovery that I am not an indestructible super-being with the ability to completely block out human emotion and seem utterly perfect and untouchable.
This moment of sudden realisation ultimately led to the predictable “Oh my, I think I just felt a tinge of happiness creep down my spine. Let the inspirational insight begin” moment. It is moments like these that ground a person and make them realise that despite all the irrational things someone may do, and all the slight misjudgements in through process and error are always redeemable, no matter what. I think it is just a matter of in what way you want to redeem yourself.
I think Sophia Serrano said it best to David Aames when she said,
“Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.”
It took David Aames over 100 years to discover what on earth she meant by that and I think although we may not be as fortunate to have that many years on our side, I think the point still remains the same and that it was not really the time that mattered in the end.
She was right.
After I thought about it and I calmed down, I decided that needed to sort out what on earth was going on deep inside of me and find an solution to it. Part of me hoped there was a solution to it all, to what I was feeling and this hope I think is what ended up helping me turn it around. The one thing that frustrated me the most was the fact that I was feeling something that I had believed had no logical reason behind it and instead of tackling it head on, I embraced it.
The problem with this is that I embraced the wrong feeling at the wrong time. One the driving factors of our human nature is to feel human and in a way, I was just trying to cling onto that ideal. That feeling made me feel human but little did I realise that it was not even remotely healthy for me to embrace such an irrational feeling.
So.
Moral of the story is;
My previous post started as an outburst of my observations on how shallow I was feeling at the time but it ended up becoming something completely different. You see, because as of recently, I have been working with a good friend of mine on his latest dramatic production dubbed “The Pillbox” which deals with themes of depression, medication and the opinions that society has placed upon both of these themes and everything related to them. I have worked with this friend in his previous production (To Shoot Love in the Face) to which I played a lead role in and it was a wonderful experience but that aside, after my huge realisation and refresher related to my outburst of the angst ridden teenager, my mind figured I should not leave this outburst a complete irrational waste of time. I decided to place myself in the mindset of the material that my friend had presented to me and I continued to write, basing my thoughts upon what I believe I would feel like as the character.
Make a bit more sense?
The person I was referring to at the end of my post was both a metaphor and a direct relation to the idea of loneliness and a character linked to my character in the play.
So in summary of this, my previous post was both a slight outburst to begin with and a character role-play so again, sorry if I scared you all a bit there. You didn’t deserve that at all!
Wallflower.
As of now, things are starting to finally feel normal once again. I think the one thing that most of us struggle with is Identity. We as people can identify ourselves with the things we like, the things we create and that way that we think about everything that is placed around us.
Over the past few weeks, I had felt like I lost a certain spark within me or my Identity so to speak. I was beginning to find that I did not know who I was anymore and within all that, I did not know how to feel certain emotions that felt unique to me and I did not know how to express myself in the ways that I had become accustomed to.
The biggest part of it all was that I hadn’t the slightest clue what on earth triggered all of it and that is what terrified me the most. The fact that within a split second, in a sudden change of direction of the winds that drive who I am, that I could become a person so utterly unknown to me.
When I think about it, maybe your Identity is never predetermined but it is something that you can either make for yourself if you want to, or you can let it run the course you feel naturally accustomed to. However, Identity may not always give you what you want. Or at least, you think at the time that it may not give you want you want because maybe what you want, may not be what you think it is.
To discover your Identity or in my case, to discover my Identity, we will either discover one or the other first. It is whether you find yourself finding what it is that makes you happy, or whether it fulfils what exactly you have always wanted that you will be happy with your Identity in.
Identity should be exactly what it means. It should identify you and only what you believe yourself to be. Of course, the idea of Identity is both related to being comfortable with who you in essence and comfortable with how other people see you in your essence. People will say the age old line of reasoning, “You should not care about how other people think of you. You should be happy with being who you are around people who are comfortable with who you are”.
Personally, I do agree with this but this is only an addition to the underlying truth. I think it is in our nature to care about how others view us but it is within reason and within moderation of this that we should view it. I never believe in the idea that you should completely cut something out of your life and leave it to live in another world completely unrelated to your own.
If we as people were to do that, we would not understand exactly how to build from it. We learn most from mistakes and the resolution and the observations of what exactly came to be with these mistakes. Calling something a Mistake does not give it a negative connotation, it is merely something of ‘unpredictable intention’
Not clashing with failure, grief, loss, depression or in essence, a ‘mistake’ is what in the end, just leaves it die with you.
In saying that, it does not mean that you should do this immediately. Like Sophia said to David, “Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.”. When Sophia told him that, she did not imply that just because every passing minute is of the essence, that we need to jump right back on the horse, or climb right back over the wall, or get right back behind the wheel.
She told him to take his time because it will always be there.
It took David 100 years to discover what exactly made him who he was and what exactly lied beneath all of his denial, his anger, his grief and his loss.
Even though he had virtually all the time in the world at his disposal, he was completely oblivious to that fact. He still got through it with his mortality and even though it may have seemed to us that it had taken him a century, it only took him a few months.
In the end he realised that he did not need all the time in the world to make himself happy, he only needed himself to make him happy. So when people tell you that you should find solace in yourself and you should happiness in within what makes you who you are, they are right.
But what if who you are does not make sense to you anymore?
4 men once told us,
“And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make”
Take that into consideration. Consider that you only get out what you put in. Consider that you only get what you are willing to give. Consider that it is not the end product that drives you forward, it is you that drives you forward.
Do not think that the only way to real be happy within yourself has to solely be through your own thought process and through your own reasoning. This is why we have Therapy and why it was developed. If one was capable of figuring out the answer themselves, then perhaps that view may be a bit one-sided, one-dimensional and not truly resolving the problem.
In the end, it will be you who makes you happy but it is what you do to get there that really makes a difference. Talking to people, finding a healthy outlet for your pain within your struggle, and basing your happiness and your healing through multiple opinions, multiple principles and multiple solutions, from a variety of different people of all creeds, viewpoints and personalities.
Showing weakness does not make you weaker in Society’s eyes, it just makes you human. I know for one, I personally am afraid of showing weakness towards others but I am getting there and I am opening up more to the idea of being open. In the end, people only want to help you but it may not be in a way that makes you comfortable or makes you feel better immediately.
Just give it time, you have plenty of it. Just hold on and people will do what they can do.
Help will always be there.
It is just may not be in the place you once thought.
You just have to keep an open mind and not be a prisoner to yourself.
Stupidly Happy.
All in all, things are actually making sense now.
The clouds are coming back, and the Sun is just taking a bit of R + R over the coming season, to come back in full form and I think that means something to all of us.
Everybody can have a break once in a while and a break is different to each and every person. In taking breaks, taking time to think and taking time to breath just for a second, will help out immensely because when you come back, and you always will come back, you shine brighter than ever.
It is funny because I am actually feeling so ridiculously wonderful that it is just plain stupid. I find myself laughing at random points in time, about the most random things. I look at myself in an idle reflection and I cannot help but smile. I wake up in a huge haze of fatigue and confusion but still, I grab myself a cup of tea loaded with as much sugar as I can possibly pleasure myself to and sit back and waste my time.
To me, Life was always about getting somewhere and it is about being boldly ambitious, driven and hard working. Now however, I think I climbing back to the person I was before. I have my entire life to figure who I want to be, what I want to be and what exactly I need to do to get there.
Just because I am not there now, does not mean that I will never get there and just because someone else may be a million steps ahead of me, does not mean that I have been doing something wrong to get there.
I am feel so stupid it makes me infectiously happy.
It is like whenever I walk out the door and it is pouring with rain, I look forward to popping out the Umbrella and despite how much it may clash with my Winter Wear, to just listen to some rainy day music and embrace everything.
I think that has been what was missing all along and again, with the mind-blowing, sudden realisation of immense truth.
Embrace it.
There was a time when I used to feel like this and rather than letting it flow through me like the life that runs with my blood to my every organ, I just let it simmer because I deemed it as, well, irrational. It was like if I was insanely happy for just a few seconds, I would lose focus and go immensely off tangent. I told someone about this.
This somebody told me not too long ago;
”I figure it’s easier to embrace a good feeling than fight it.”
Do you want to know what makes me stupid?
The fact that I only just realised I never have even thought of that before.
Here was me, lost with all the consequences that I just didn’t take time to actually feel it.
I congratulated them on being so ridiculous right and I then, proceeded to feel a tinge of who I was, a very long time ago, to when I was happy.
So, my fellow Tumblrians.
*raises glass*
Here is to embracing the uncontrollable, the chaotic and hypnotic feelings within Life.
Okay.
You will probably not hear from me for quite a long time.
I have to go now, my planet needs me.
- Drew. <3
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